Festive stress
The holidays are here, but do you feel that your mood and energy don’t match the festive cheer? That the pressure and overwhelm are too much? You may find yourself ignoring your needs and putting on a happy face in order to live up to the expectations of the season, to fit in so as to avoid judgement or disappointing others. It happens more than we admit.
The holidays seem to be getting more stressful every year. The planning and overspending, the pressure and expectations, the exhaustion and burn-out, and the crushing loneliness and grief for those dealing with loss in the form of the death or absence of loved ones. The kind of grief people experience during the holidays tends to be a private pain that is hard to share because it is so out of place; people don’t want to ruin the holiday spirit for others.
During the pandemic as death became our intimate guest over the holidays, I was moved by the image in January 2021 of President Biden and Vice President Harris and their spouses standing in front of the Lincoln Memorial’s reflecting pool with 400 flames burning, representing the 400,000 people in the US who had who had died from COVID by then. It was a shared moment of collective grief as Americans ushered in a new year and a new administration while acknowledging the heavy losses suffered by so many families and communities. Biden’s symbolism of the empty chair at the Thanksgiving table was another touching tribute to deceased loved ones who had succumbed to the virus. For many who are grieving over the holidays, this kind of public acknowledgement of their personal suffering is something that they don’t experience as they mourn alone in a sea of festive cheer.
Holidays can be particularly overwhelming for introverts and highly sensitive persons (HSPs). The sensory overload from loud parties and overconsumption, and the need to show up with bright faces and lively moods can be anxiety-provoking and emotionally draining.
Now if going big on the holidays with all the bells and whistles is your thing, go for it. It’s wonderful to find ways to celebrate whatever sparks joy and meaning in your life and brings people together. If, on the other hand, you prefer something more low key, give yourself permission this holiday season to take it easy and step back from the lights, action and drama. Here’s what I’m doing to stay sane over the holidays:
Alone time
I’m a classic introvert, even though some people who know me would swear otherwise. Buffering myself with quiet time to start my day, then gauging and pacing myself as the action unfolds allows me to better tolerate loud and festive scenes. I’ve learned that it’s OK to step out to take a breath or a walk, leave the party early or decline graciously if I cannot attend (and stay home in my pajamas instead – I just got another excellent pair). While it’s hard to say no and disappoint others, I have found that in most cases, there are ways to meet people halfway without throwing yourself under the bus. And most people will eventually get over their disappointments. If not, maybe there are deeper issues at hand; might I recommend a therapist? A topic for another day.
Curated family holidays
We’ve created our own family tradition of lazy pajama holidays which we enjoy whenever we can get away with it. Easy for us because we are all homebodies in my family. Lounging in cozy pajamas, making sure to have second breakfast, cooking a big delicious meal, stepping outdoors later if the weather is nice, then watching a movie in the evening is our perfect holiday. Easy peasy. Not all holidays are for everyone, nor are they all celebrated even by those who were raised in those traditions. I’ve come to realize that most popular holidays don’t align with my personal, spiritual and philosophical values, so I give myself leeway to adjust them accordingly.
Keeping it simple
I tend to be suspicious of things that are overly complicated for no good reason. The holidays don’t have to be a production and nobody has to break their bank account. I love the German word Konsumterror, which encapsulates my feeling about most holidays nowadays. It is one of those classic German compound words like Schadenfreude and Lebensabschnittspartner that don’t have true English equivalents.
Online dictionaries define Konsumterror as the pressure, through media and advertising, to consume more than is necessary. The online Collins German-English dictionary simply defines it as “the pressures of a materialistic society”, which for me doesn’t even come close to describing the level of psychological distress the German original captures. I’ve noticed, with growing terror, how intense the commercialization and consumerism of the holidays has become over the last decade. It’s commonplace now to see gaudy Thanksgiving advertising during Halloween and aggressive Christmas sales before Thanksgiving.
And have you ever been in a supermarket on Valentine’s Day around 6 pm? Harried last minute shoppers scramble to buy the remaining overpriced Valentine’s chocolates and wilted bouquets, lest their loved ones conclude that they are unloved. Could those same flowers and chocolates be presented on January 21st or August 8th and still be meaningful, and dare I say more heartfelt and sincere – and less expensive? Or could we give ourselves permission to do away with the circus altogether and choose when and how to let the special people in our lives know that we love and appreciate them?
The culture of comparison
A word about social media. The culture of comparing our holidays/families/pets/lives/jobs to others’ is insane. Highly polished images of perfect holidays on social media can lead to bouts of fomo and can suck the joy and appreciation from the wonderful things in our own lives. Resisting the urge to be like the Joneses gives us the freedom to do (or not to do) the holidays our own way and accept the messy, imperfect and interesting ways in which life shows up.
Happy holidays – or whatchamacallit – to you and yours. If you can, do it your way.
Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash